two faced
I live in two different worlds that require two different faces.
What woman doesn't
What is interesting about it, is the fact that I don't understand why I should have two faces at all. I would like to just have one, and just be me. But I can't.
I'm talking about my professional life for a moment. Yes. I have one. It is not at the front and center of my life. It is not something I bring up in conversation. I really don't think I"m that great. If someone asks me what I do, I will often respond with something similar to "I'm a mom." or " I like to hike". I have very rarely said "I'm an online college instructor" or "I'm a library technician" . But even if I did respond with either of the former two answers, I often feel like I would have to pick between them. One of them denotes that I have a lot of responsibility. I am accountable to myself, I am in charge of my self and my work. I am a graduate and a licensed professional. I determine my schedule, and I have a certain level of expertise.
The other response (library technician) implies that I have no power, position, decent wage, or authorship to anything that I create, say, or do. I am essentially a cog in a very large wheel.
I suppose I am writing about class struggle more than anything else. Why can't these two worlds coexist peacefully? Why is one threatened by the other? Why does the mention of one, put my colleagues at such unease, that I am reprimanded for showing initiative, critical-thinking skills, or making new suggestions. In short, I am quickly put back in my place. Don't get to close to that line Johanna, remember who you are and stay there. Why do people in the office become so uncomfortable around me when the topic of my teaching comes up? What invisible line am I crossing? Haven't I sacrificed years of my life and worked really hard to be able to talk about my achievements? Why can't we all just get along.
Sadly, I have to cede that one job is classed higher than the other. On one hand I am a staffer. On the other hand, I am Faculty. I have to walk between these two lines, and I can't exist in both worlds at the same time. Why does something like this still matter? Is it pride? Ego? Arrogance? I don't know and it just seems really old fashioned to me. To judge someone based on what they do for a living. That some careers are more esteemed than others. It has nothing to do with one's intelligence or abilities. But with one's opportunities. Some really intelligent people are secretaries. Some really stupid idiots are teachers. The level of your job really doesn't reflect anything about who you are. It only reflects what you were able to do with what you had. Aren't we all just trying to pay our bills? Aren't we all just trying to buy groceries? What does it matter if I'm Faculty one day and staff the next? Who does it matter to? Why do they care and why am I softly made uncomfortable if I accidentally let my intelligence show. Opps sorry, I did it again. I made a suggestion, comment, or had an original thought that challenged the status quo. How dare I. Better put me back in a box where I belong. Honestly I've been hanging around the library so long because I thought it was what I wanted. But what happens when what you want isn't what you really want? What am I waiting around for? Tuition benefits for my children that aren't even a part of my collective agreement anyway? That seems lame. There is no guarantee that any of my kids are even going to go there!
What if I were to make a decision and pick one over the other. Choose one that lets me be myself. Lets me think, react, and hold some weight in my hands. Could I be brave enough to let go of my dream, and dare to think up another one? I think I could, if the time was right, I believe I would. Since I can't have the best of both worlds anyway.
What woman doesn't
What is interesting about it, is the fact that I don't understand why I should have two faces at all. I would like to just have one, and just be me. But I can't.
I'm talking about my professional life for a moment. Yes. I have one. It is not at the front and center of my life. It is not something I bring up in conversation. I really don't think I"m that great. If someone asks me what I do, I will often respond with something similar to "I'm a mom." or " I like to hike". I have very rarely said "I'm an online college instructor" or "I'm a library technician" . But even if I did respond with either of the former two answers, I often feel like I would have to pick between them. One of them denotes that I have a lot of responsibility. I am accountable to myself, I am in charge of my self and my work. I am a graduate and a licensed professional. I determine my schedule, and I have a certain level of expertise.
The other response (library technician) implies that I have no power, position, decent wage, or authorship to anything that I create, say, or do. I am essentially a cog in a very large wheel.
I suppose I am writing about class struggle more than anything else. Why can't these two worlds coexist peacefully? Why is one threatened by the other? Why does the mention of one, put my colleagues at such unease, that I am reprimanded for showing initiative, critical-thinking skills, or making new suggestions. In short, I am quickly put back in my place. Don't get to close to that line Johanna, remember who you are and stay there. Why do people in the office become so uncomfortable around me when the topic of my teaching comes up? What invisible line am I crossing? Haven't I sacrificed years of my life and worked really hard to be able to talk about my achievements? Why can't we all just get along.
Sadly, I have to cede that one job is classed higher than the other. On one hand I am a staffer. On the other hand, I am Faculty. I have to walk between these two lines, and I can't exist in both worlds at the same time. Why does something like this still matter? Is it pride? Ego? Arrogance? I don't know and it just seems really old fashioned to me. To judge someone based on what they do for a living. That some careers are more esteemed than others. It has nothing to do with one's intelligence or abilities. But with one's opportunities. Some really intelligent people are secretaries. Some really stupid idiots are teachers. The level of your job really doesn't reflect anything about who you are. It only reflects what you were able to do with what you had. Aren't we all just trying to pay our bills? Aren't we all just trying to buy groceries? What does it matter if I'm Faculty one day and staff the next? Who does it matter to? Why do they care and why am I softly made uncomfortable if I accidentally let my intelligence show. Opps sorry, I did it again. I made a suggestion, comment, or had an original thought that challenged the status quo. How dare I. Better put me back in a box where I belong. Honestly I've been hanging around the library so long because I thought it was what I wanted. But what happens when what you want isn't what you really want? What am I waiting around for? Tuition benefits for my children that aren't even a part of my collective agreement anyway? That seems lame. There is no guarantee that any of my kids are even going to go there!
What if I were to make a decision and pick one over the other. Choose one that lets me be myself. Lets me think, react, and hold some weight in my hands. Could I be brave enough to let go of my dream, and dare to think up another one? I think I could, if the time was right, I believe I would. Since I can't have the best of both worlds anyway.
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